Life is what you do when you're waiting to die

Things change so quickly.  My BFA class never got to say goodbye.  There was no real Super Saturday party, a planned class get-together was a hot mess of co-op randos, and it seems that in the end no one really cared about letting go.  I am saddened by this.  I guess I couldn't have expected MY class to be the sentimental ones... We hated each other more than we loved each other over the past three years.  Still, in the end we did become a class, and I am sad to not have had the opportunity to say goodbye to so many wonderful people.  Even now, I feel so far away from everyone.  Mountain time adds to this, but it seems like Graduation was months ago.

I am extremely grateful for Idyllwild Arts taking my mind off of such things.  I have a job.  I even have paid acting gigs lined up.  Life is pretty damn good.  I have a plan.  A flexible one, but still... a plan!  More of a plan than most people have.  I'm pretty sure I'm moving to Tucson sometime near the end of the year.  I'll be living with Riisa, saving up for a move to New York in the Spring.

I'm feeling introspective right now.  Whatever.

Life is...

Wow, I never blog anymore.  How funny that my last entry was when I got cast in She Stoops?!  It would be impossible to recap the last year and a half, so I won’t.

I’m graduating in 3 weeks.  How strange.  The past four years have yielded some phenomenal highs.  The shows are the big memories.  McBeth, R&J, True Love, Stoops, On the Verge, Cloud Nine, Tartuffe, and Piezo were all such amazing learning experiences.  And really, that’s because the people I was working with cared so much about the projects.  Like Frannie McDormand says, “It’s about the WORK!”

This summer, I’ll be working at Idyllwild Arts Summer Academy as a Youth Counselor.  I’m also acting in On A Bench, a play for the Pacific Pride Festival in Santa Barbara in July… my first paid acting gig!  After Idyllwild, it looks like I will be in good ol’ Brawley for a while, saving up more money.  Might be in Santa Barbara for a part of the fall if another project comes through… we shall see!  Once I’m done with school, life will be concerned with making money.  I’m moving to New York when I have the funding… hopefully by the spring of 2013.  Let’s hope the world doesn’t end!  I’ve got a lot of life to live.  And it’s going very well right now.  I mean, I’m currently rehearsing for 3 projects, but once June 18^th comes around, I’m gonna miss this busy schedule.  Although it is busy, I feel an overwhelming sense of good energy.  I’ve been slowly but surely readying myself to take life into my own hands, and I couldn’t be more excited to do so.

I have changed incredibly over the last few years.  I have lost 135 lbs.  I have found myself as a person and artist.  I have learned how to respect my work and critique it effectively.  I am so compelled to begin to live as a true artist, enriching the world through the work I do.  As long as I can keep hold of that need, to enrich the lives of others, to teach people about themselves, to examine humanity, I know I will remain on track.

Life is good, y’all.  And Ellwood is a beautiful place… :)

-D… (I’m not big anymore.)

Lots to be thankful for

I know these posts are far and few between, sorry! I'm always so damn busy these days, which is a good thing... most of the time.

O, hang on sadness and lamentations of a busy life! Now come the juicy, recent-life highlights!

I've been having the time of my life this year in the BFA. The quarter seemed a little weird at first, but I think it was just the combination of finally being a Junior and having no free weekends thanks to the remounting of McBeth. I love doing that show, but the remount nearly killed me.

I had a great time working on Richard III in class, and an even better time working on Dromio from Comedy of Errors, both in class.

I got cast in True Love, by Charles Mee, as a transvestite named Red Dicks. It was one of the most rewarding and fun experiences I've ever had working on a show. That character taught me so much about how to view the world, and made me realize that even though I thought I lived life fuller than most, there was still a lot I wasn't noticing. And furthermore, if I was only seeing part of the beauty in life, how much were other people missing? And that became such a huge part of her- that character. I had so much motive every night to inject the audience with a sense of vitality. And at the end of the last run, I experience such an amazing theater-moment. I won't go into details, but the audience was on-their-feet freaking out with energy. And it was so perfect for the mood of the show! As an actor, you live for those moments of kinetic audience/performer electricity.

And now, I'll be playing Tony Lumpkin in She Stoops to Conquer! It's a mainstage in the Hatlen, our biggest house, and a role that such amazing actors as Antony Sher and Nathan Lane have played over the years. Just thinking about everything that will come along with a mainstage... costume fittings, production photos, what's sure to be a fucking EPIC set!!! This is literally such an amazing role. I've never played a character like this. He's my age, he's a cad, cunning trickster, he's got a devilish energy... He and I have so many similarities and differences, and I know it's going to be an incredible journey of discovery that will hopefully lead to a fantastic six performances. I still can't believe I'm adding Tony Lumpkin to my character journal.

And so, I guess that just about sums up this post. I'm looking forward to a nice meal tomorrow, a brisk, busy ending week to the fall quarter (I really should get on that paper...), a few days of "studying" in prep for my only written final, and then it's home for the holidays, and some good, early work on Stoopage. Not sure when another blog will pop up, but I'm sure Stoops will yield plenty of great stories.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Mini Life Recap

For anyone who cares... :)

Romeo and Juliet was amazing. We got raves in 3 papers/magazines (legit raves) and my Capulet has been well-received all around, which feels really great. I have no shame is saying I'm glad I got good feedback... some people pretend not to care, but the truth is: We work REALLY hard. The audience demands our best, and we have to give it to them, or we don't get an audience. When things go well, it makes the work feel so gratifying, and extremely fun, especially with Shakespeare.

I'm now working on Richard III, and it's terrifying... which is why I chose to work on it. I picked up the paper, started reading the monologue, and immediately thought, "Oooooh shit. This is impossible. I think I have to do it."

This isn't a huge recap, but here's my last thing. Thank goodness for friends! If I didn't have some of the best people working with/around me, I know I would feel very lost in this ridiculous major. I'm so grateful that I have good people to support me, and who let me support them. Brian and I are both doing Richard monologues, and today we chilled for an hour, working and talking in the Studio, and it was extremely therapeutic. I said earlier that we work really hard, and that doesn't just mean onstage. This program kicks our asses every day of the week. I'm so glad I have good people to help me along. Thank you all.

Have a nice day.

:-)

I am now "El Chico del Apartomento Ciento Treinta!!!!"

I'm blogging from my apartment!!! I just had to do it. I mean, I guess there was no choice... unless I went somewhere else. But why would I? This apartment rocks!

And I just found the remote. I feel like a rock star.

But I'm kinda bored.

I work 11-2 tonight. What shall I do until then? If only the new Pillars of the Earth was online!!!

-Bored D

Some people...

Dude, like, why is it that some people can totally ignore you and infuriate you and then the next time you see them and they're like, "Haaay!" you're like, "All mad thoughts go to a secret place, happy mask ON." Like, seriously? When someone starts a conversation with you about something upsetting and then you genuinely want to find out if everything is okay and then they just don't reply? Why is that? Is it because you think "Uh-oh, bitch be creepin' up on my personal shit, I shouldn't have said anything... RUN!" Ooh! Or is it, "Fuck, I'll bet he's gonna appear sexy to me in an 'I'm helping you through some shit,' way and I cannot make him think I'm interested!" Or is it just that you didn't really mean to start any conversation, you just wanted to keep me posted like I'm on fuckin' twitter or some shit. "Sad life event happened, just fyi. It's not a conversation point, though, so back off."

Seriously, leading someone on via text should be punishable by some Victorian form of torture. And of course, that person probably just decided to take a shower or go to sleep (even though the latter is still a bit rude) and you suddenly feel like you're right up there with Mel Gibson as an Honorable Mention Douchebag - 2010. Honestly, it's like... I'm over you, so I'm asking out of human compassion... are you okayyyyyyy?

Ooh, I'm missing something important on True Blood, I think. Uh-oh... I have not been watching this episode closely enough. Sookie's a fairy, y'all. Whatever. I want more Jessica!! I love her.

Hmmm... what else shall I talk about to make this post sound less "meh, me no know how to cope with being ignored..."

Legalize marijuana already! Seriously, it's been a long time since the 30s when all the propaganda about it being addictive and dangerous was actually believed. People are smarter today, and they know that it's all bull shit! If everyone smoked, there would seriously be less war, less depression, and less anger in the world. But I'm not gonna go on a weed crusade right now.

Ooooooooooooooh dear... What next?

IT'S OFFICIAL!!! IN THE HEIGHTS ON THURSDAY!!!!!! hell yeah, bitches. Que, sera, sera!!!

Time to continue my night... SB in a week!

-Big D

summertiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, and the dying is... apparently not as easy as years past!

I should not be speaking so soon, but I'm very relieved that people aren't dropping like flies this year. If you've been following this shit-sack blog written by this anus-face booger, you'll know that people I know (and celebrities) start dying around my birthday. It's been unavoidable since the summer of 2003 when my dog (who was my same age and had grown up with me) Spicer(oni) was found dead on my birthday, just before my friends and I went out to see a movie. Since then, the time of my birth has been plagued by death. Even Michael Mothafuckin' Jackson... Anyway, nothings happened thus far in 2010, but I still have 2 days. I think this explains the unexplainable feelings of moodiness and edge I've exhibited recently.

In other news, I only have 2 more weeks in Brawley! I will be back in SB very soon, living it up in my apartment and rehearsing for Romeo and Juliet. I started out excited, but now I'm getting nervous... I need to STUDY THE FUCKIN' PLAY!!!

I'm excited for my Vampire Literature class! I don't really give a shit about vampires, but it sounds like lots of fun.

I love Brawley, but I HATE HATE HATE that we are this far southeast. I wanted to visit so many friends this summer, and it never happened.

I also HATE HATE HATE the current farming economy. I've pretty much vowed to not talk politics on here because I'm too independent for anyone to appreciate, but I will say that Obama's administration has done nothing to help farming. And when the fuck did people start assuming that farmers are rich? I will tell you now that these assumptions are LOADS OF SHIT! Just fyi. My point is I had no money to visit any of my friends in NY, the place I eventually want to live and work, the place I've just assumed for my entire life that I'd love, my FUTURE. Never been. Nope.

Oh my god, do you see how moody this post is? I am so gross!

Lets try to think of something happy...

I might see In the Heights in LA soon! That would be fantastic! But, like every other plan this summer, it might die. Hmmm, maybe death hasn't gone away, but remains in the form of dying dreams.

Here's a happy thing... I've been following Everyday Rapture since it was called You May Now Worship Me, and though I've listened to it since last year as a bootleg, I can't get enough of this song.

Um, I WILL make your bed rock... it's not even an option.

Dude, y'all... I'm half way through with college. It's fucking crazy.

Things I'm worried about:

1.) Getting my English minor done/started. Yeah... BFA does make that aspect of college a bit hard.

2.) Finding a job... It's impossible.

3.) Money!!! Who isn't worried about that?


Things I'm excited about:

1.) Romeo and Juliet this summer! Casting TBA.

2.) Turning 20, although I'm not sure how exciting that is... one more year til I can buy alc, but my teenage years are over!

3.) Next years season!! I mean, shit... it's gonna be amazing!

4.) Remounting "McBeth" in the park and downtown, even if it means we have to recast Patrick and Ben... I'm sure the replacements will be so much fun to work with! Andrew, if you still actually read this shit, I'm pulling for you, buddy.

5.) Living in an apartment and being a Junior, and being able to work in the BFA without worrying about cuts... it's going to be a much more safe environment.

And I guess I could go on... it's a very exciting time!

Next year is going to be different... good different. I've gotten so many THTR electives/requirements done that I'll be doing a lot more English classes when I can fit them in, and I might even get to take some breaks from these crazy fucking unit-heavy quarters.

I'm also working on a lot of different material that could morph into... well pretty much anything. I'm considering a few different one person show sometime next year, maybe trying to direct something I've written, and maybe some other random stuff. It's scary, 'cause I've never really put my own work out there for anyone to see... only a few people I trust. It's cray-cray.

And now for some soul-shit. Blogging is hard. I have so much I can't mothafuckin post on the internet... so sad. And that's all the soul-shit.

Also, working (very slowly) on a web series idea with some peeps, mostly Andrew and Brittany Carriger as of now. We'll see! I'm a little worried about copyright issues with music... Who knows, Andrew might have to start mothafuckin composing again. I don't want to legal shit.

Stay cool, swim in a pool, not a canal! You'll die.

-Big D.

I'm a mole, digging in my hole, digging in my soul now, coming down, excavation...

In many ways, this blog is one of the few constant things in my life. It's where I keep a lot of memories, and when I read through old entries, it's like looking through old photos on facebook.

I've changed my opinion on photos. If it's not blurry and I don't look absolutely terrible, I keep it. Why erase yourself? I mean, who fucking knows if you won't look WORSE in twenty years? You may like seeing yourself the way you are, very very soon.

So, just over a week ago, I had an experience I won't go into the details of, but it made me realize a few things. I won't get too far into those either, but I will say I found some extreme emotional depth within myself, and I sort of found out that I do have the means to go deeper than I thought I could onstage. Currently, I'm faced with material in Three Sisters that asks me to weep twice, I believe, as two different characters. It's easy to get around on one, just because I'm going to take it in a direction where I'm throwing myself so far into the madness of my character's love that tears may just come up. I'm finally in the place where I can let go. I'm loosing my loyalties to people who's opinions would hold me back. And as our class shrinks and shrinks, I've found that my relationships with people have changed a lot. I was very hurt after the last cut, loosing people who I had gotten very close to. Loosing a partner is not easy, and I lost one acting scene partner and one movement scene partner.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at.

-Big D

reasons to be... what?

I never thought I'd be involved in BFA dramz. I'm trapped in a Niel Labute play, a character who needs to express himself but can't do it. Why can't I go back to just talking about the drama?

"McBeth" is a smash.

If you throw a nerf ball over Oprah's hedge, maybe you'll get to go inside her house!

I have been so tired lately. I think it has to do with all the shit I'm doing. Movement is more of a workout this quarter than ever, and then there's the uber physical "McBeth" every night, and on top of those two, the gym is a new hobby. So yes, I'm tired. But I almost like it.

Thursday I slept until 11:30 since we had no Acting that day. Friday I slept until noon. Today I woke up just before 1. I was a little worried at first. Am I okay? I have been a little down in the dumps lately, but I'm pretty sure it's from LACK of sleep... so this is probably good, right? Eh, I don't know... Then I realized, as I stood up and had to try really hard not to fall, that my body is just tired. This weekend is our only break from "McBeth" rehearsals, and I'm just soaking in the relaxation. What's wrong with that? I'm sweating my ass of 2-3 times a day, so why not sleep til noon on my days off? I mean, a traditional New York actor rises at Noon and sleeps at 1 or 2... sort of. So give me a break. To those who say you can't catch up on sleep... fuck you. Why do doctors prescribe weeks of rest after patients experience exhaustion?

In other news, it's been an oddly emotional time, as I've told only a few people. I won't go into details, but I've been thinking a lot about Sam, John, and even my fucking dead pets... weird. And it's all been coming up in my mind in Voice class where we're doing some deep exercises with imagination and vision. Oh, and car accident crap came up too... out loud. I just hope I don't go from Gossip Boy to Tumultuous Conscience Boy, haha. I'm not too worried. Like I said before, it's all sleep, I'm sure. I was averaging 5-6 hours last week. Not enough for an ACTING program.

In other news, I've started/restarted a writing project. No hate about not working on the book, y'all. It's on my old hard drive. I need to transfer it soon, but that probably won't happen until after "McBeth" finishes. Then I'll have some free time.

Saw Date Night yesterday... it was really funny!


Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

-Big D.

Exhilarated!!

I got cast in Gerry Hansen's "McBeth" and I couldn't be happier! For those of you who don't know, it is a Commedia del Arte version of the Shakespearean tragedy. Look up Commedia... it will blow your mind. Just got back from our first rehearsal which included a read-through, character work, and lots of exploration. I'm sworn to secrecy on all aspects of the production, but the end product is certain to be something I will be so proud of! The rest of my troupe are fantastic, every one of them. Such a physical form of theater is an exhausting challenge, but the results are truly magical. It's sweaty work... not even. It's sweaty play that will soon turn into art. Hell, it is art right now. You all need to come and see it!

Our show is an hour long, and we have three weeks from Saturday... The other three One Acts are all about 15-20 minutes long and they are the first bill (we perform after intermission). Apparently, even though their shows are a quarter as long as ours, and the largest show has half the amount of characters as we do (multiply our 10 characters times about 3 or 4 as far as costumes go), they feel that they have a tight schedule, and so our original opening night is an "invited dress". Nice, y'all. We'll be ready... they apparently won't be. It's a bit embarrassing, really. So our initial Friday night performance is an invited dress. How quaint.
Performances are in the Studio Theater on April 24-25 at 2PM, and April 24 at 8PM. We will also have Shakespeare in the Park performances April 30-May 1 at 7PM in Anis'oyo Park in Isla Vista.
Make sure to check us out!

In other news, we are working on Chekov this quarter in acting. I'm working on a scene from The Cherry Orchard as Trofimov with Garrett Ward, and it's going to be very fun and challenging. Irwin is teaching us for these first 5 weeks and it's been very interesting and honestly very helpful so far.
In voice, we are working on Shakespeare. We will perfect the way we speak his words, sonnets and all. We even get to write our own sonnets and do Poetry Jam Circles in class!

Movement is Acro Yoga... so challenging but AMAZING. Yesterday... I flew. I fucking flew. And I became a whale for a short amount of time. Life is Magical in Jeff Mills's class.
I'm having a ball this quarter, even though it is exhausting. The exhaustion is exhilarating.


-Big D.

So many things have happened...

... since my last blog. I hated not having a computer this quarter... last quarter. WINTER 2010 IS OVER!!!! It's been a great one. Highlights:

Ball Pieces:
Our ball pieces were so amazing. I didn't realize how intuitively creative my class was until this project. I did mine to "Dig a Little Deeper" from Princess and the Frog, and got raves across the board. In fact, it elicited tears from some faculty members... and BOTH of the cameras filming it failed. Oh well, it will always live on in memory.

In-class Scenes: It was wonderful to work with Allie this quarter on Picnic, which was super challenging but also lots of fun. Love you, Allie! Working with Erica on Loose Ends was quite an experience. The subject matter was very difficult to relate to, but we leaned on each other so much in our rehearsal process. I love her so much!

Angels in America Scenes: I got cast in two! Both as Prior, which I was ecstatic about. I worked with the very talented Emily Mckeown, Sigmond Varga, and Alyssa Williams. It was a pleasure to work on one of my FAVORITE plays as one of my FAVORITE characters.

Crucible Scenes: This scene was fun as well, though it was no Angels. I did make some great new friends outside of the BFA.

Dr. Daphne: I wasn't truly a part of Dr. Daphne until the final three weeks, but when I finally got into the thick of it (excluding the many private meetings for music rehearsals and table work) it was a blast. I'm very excited to see the final product on TV soon! I'll let you know when it happens. I made so many great friends!

There was a really huge scheduling conflict with Daphne and Super Saturday this quarter that freaked the fuck out of me. Just not a good deal, and I'll forgo the details here. Everything ended up fine, I just felt really bad, and in the end, indebted to the faculty for their support.

So, now I'm home for a few more days, and then Spring quarter starts. I'm one of the 16 lucky artists who get to continue in the BFA for one more quarter. I can't take for granted that there are no more chances after this. This could be it, and I plan to not waste a second of my time. I will continue to work my hardest, dedicate myself to the art we create, but most importantly to have fun. I love every single person in this department, and I can't wait to spend time with them again. I hope this quarter is the most fun/creative yet. I plan to have a blast.

Also, I'm on a gym kick, thanks to Melani Carroll and Brian Bock, two fantastic actors who invited me to take part in their exercise plan. So yeah... it's actually lots of fun, especially with them, and we hope to expand our group! The elliptical is very addicting, y'all.

So yeah, running every day down here like over Winter break, trying to stay on top of stuff.

My ipod got stolen... sadness. But I have my wonderful Droid!!!

I really need a computer soon. Might explore Wal-Mart or Best Buy soon.

Well, I hope you are sufficiently filled in. Last quarter was so busy, but lots of fun... but really really busy. I haven't been cast yet for next quarter, but we still have Grad Directed One Acts, Commedia Macbeth... er, I mean, "McBeth", and then there's AIDA across campus... not very interested. If scheduling conflicts happen again, life will suck big ones. Also, hopefully the film I'm working on, "Harry Balls and the Spontaneous Erection" will resume filming! Our one day was super fun.

Until later, y'all...
-Big D.

Discoveries!

The redhead juggles.

I am tired.

I feel 96% overwhelmed.

I have to keep going.


It's visceral.

-Big D.

Have You Seen Sweetie? Mmm... That girl got some girth on her!

Arrrright! Computer working once more, and I couldn't be happier. No. I couldn't be happier. Oh god, Wicked, go away. So, now I get to fill you in on everything that's been happening these past few weeks, there's a lot to get through, I'll try to simplify.

Week One was filled to the brim with tons and tons of shit to do. I rehearsed with my director for MonoFest about five times in all before our tech/cue to cue runs on the weekend. It was going well, but got a lot better when I found an audience. It ended up being a great piece, everyone enjoyed it, and I was proud. I definitely was not the star of the show, that prize goes to Trevor Shor as Delicious. He inspired me to be a drag queen every night. And it was bottom-line inspiring to watch him transform into that character so seamlessly, using bits of himself and his sense memory (we'll get to that) in order to create Delicious, which he did in a most sensitive, careful way. I believed him. Video link at the end.

Jak Watson and Emily Mckeown performed my monologues, Disney Princesses and Blood, both of which were huge hits! The crowd was totally responsive and those two talented actors really gave my pieces life. Their directors deserve a lot of thanks and gratitude from me.

Tuesday Week One was One Act auditions, I used Cuckoo's Nest, perf'd for Shaun, Colin (the directors) and Tom, my acting teacher, who was the faculty advisor. Tom gave me a laugh at the end, I felt good, and both directors shot me callbacks. Success! Callbacks were the next night, I read the plays, "prepared" my sides, and went in confidently. Reading for Colin was so much fun because I was grouped with classmate/scene partner Jordan, hammy Ben Margolith, stunning Kelsey Foltz, and radiant Maggie Yeomans. We all had ridic British accents and Maggie couldn't have been more kind after, wanting so much to work with me. Shaun's callback was next, and I didn't feel too hot about a few of my scenes (I was called for two parts), but when I finally did one with Emily Mckeown and Robert Torres, we rocked it.

I left the callback and headed over to Dr. Daphne auditions at CCS. Sang my song, read a million sides, two of them Russian (thank you Eastern Promises and Mr. Mushnik's yiddish). Sat there forever in the green room with the other auditioners, some my close friends. Throughout the night, things got really weird. I kept hearing how desperate they were for men, that they needed seven males and only seven auditioned. I was getting nervous because I had planned to not take Daphne if I made it into the One Acts. There was even a clause in the Daphne paperwork that said you could not be in any other productions along with Daphne. So, at the end of the night, I was told I was cast, though not for which character. I freaked, and went back into the theater to touch base with the director and musical director. The theater was full of the writers and techies (all thirty of them) as it had been when I sang/read.

After explaining my situation, they kept saying things like, "Well, you have such a gorgeous voice, we really need you in our cast. Is there anyone in the BFA who can sing as beautifully as you can? You are just so perfectly what we're looking for." I explained that I would love to do Daphne, but would have to cede to Department shows if I got in. They understood eventually, and promised alternate rehearsals if needed. I finally surrendered and left. It was eleven.

I checked the cast list on my way back. Shit. I was in! Shaun had cast me in a small part with one line. I felt on top of the world! I was cast in my first One Act! And tons of my classmates had made it in, too! Shit, what would this mean for Daphne?

I then realized I left my bag in CCS, set off to get it, hoping it wasn't locked and deserted. Ran into the Music Director, told him I had a small part, would probably be able to do it. "We need you." Blablabla... I had to jig open a window and crawl into the locked green room. Thank you movement, jeff mills, and increased flexibility! Then, I talked for a while with some of the writers. Their enthusiasm for the project touched me. I suddenly felt I had to give their work a voice. This is a section of the email I sent to the director after that:

Original work is very important to me, and I think it is lamentable that the Theater Dept is not presenting the New Plays Festival this year. I chatted with some of your writers and composers last night and realized that giving a voice to their work is something I can't wait to do. In short, thank you for overseeing this, as opportunities like it are hard to come by. Thank you for your kindness and understanding, and for trusting me with your and your students' art.

I have a lot of conflicts with rehearsals and that made for a terrible week of emailing back and forth about what I could and couldn't do. I got really frustrated and very scared when they said they would talk to department heads on my behalf. Um... no. I'm a sophie in this program, I have no clout, I could be gone like that. I'd like to keep my rep clean, thanks.

You should know that Dr. Daphne is my highest priority behind departmental obligations. It very important to me, but there are some things I have to do. Being a sophomore in the BFA means I am on probation the entire year. I am afraid that trying tor reschedule with department heads could jeopardize my standing in the program. If dropped from the BFA, I don't know what I would do. I'm not saying Dr. Daphne is a hindrance, in fact it will look great on my resume. I'm simply saying I don't want to make waves when my situation is so unstable.

They relented and I felt better. The reading was Monday. I was shocked. It's not a complicated show at all. One act, about an hour long, and the kicker: My part is pretty small. I have some solos, but nothing to myself. I've got one big scene at the beginning and that's pretty much it until I die. From the way they were pressuring me, I thought I was the damn lead. I'm not disappointed though, I'm relieved! I'll be able to get a way more often to work on the One Act and run crew and other department shit.

I dropped Solo Performance. It conflicted with Daphne and I had too many units with the One Acts and crew. It's really sad because the first day was amazing, but I'll be okay. I have two more years.

So, the One Acts are in two weeks, so are midterms for Acting and Movement. Need to choreograph my ball piece. Need to meet with Allie to work our scene from Picnic, which became the musical Hot September! Thanks, [tos].

Daphne runs the last week of the quarter. I'll have to sneak away during Super Saturday to get into makeup for the TV shoot. Oh yeah, it's gonna be on nationwide TV. Directing midterm auditions are Wednesday, Crucible scenes. The Directing finals are scenes from Angels in America!!!! SO EXCITED FOR THOSE!

Simon's Shakespeare class rocks.

Roomie gone, partying it up with the window open.

Got very drunk last night.

Living in IV next year with Andrew, Brian (not from the BFA, Andrew's roommate) and my new roommate Hasmik! Hellz yeah. Trevor Shor would have been magical, but this fantastic bitch will so do. We were gushing with excitement last night.

Well, that's about all... I really tried to streamline things... sorta worked.

-Big D.

Jak Watson- Disney Princesses
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFNz3oB9NbY

Trevor Shor- Delicious
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2925bswem2k

Food For Thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArzjmxOGBjw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KL4mwQoedQI

How cool is my kitty?

I'm having one of those times where I feel extremely bombarded by things I need to do, yet I don't do them because I can't really do them.

I'm memorizing Chez Pirate, which is good.

I need to decide on a monologue for Winter One Act auditions. Between one from Burn This, Cuckoo's Nest, or Pillowman. The auditions are Tuesday, so I really need to decide and start working. It's just so hard when you're working on something completely different. I'm guessing I'll end up doing Burn This just because it won't take as much work to make it interesting, but I'd need to learn it. I've done the other two previously, but I think they could be much better.

I need to decide on a song for Dr. Daphne auditions. It's through CCS, and I'm guessing I won't be able to do it anyway, but I'm auditioning for the experience. Well... I sorta hope I won't be able to do it because I'll get cast in something else. The sad thing is, I'll most likely be cast and have to tell them no.

I need to sign up for Run Crew and not fuck it up again like last quarter.

Those are the four big things on my mind right now. In reality, I have enough time to complete them before I got back on Sunday for sure, it's just daunting to think about.

These are my preferences for getting cast this quarter: One Acts, Dr. Daphne OR Shrunken Heads Aida/Producers/whatever the fuck they choose to do, Directing Midterms + Finals (I'll do these along with anything), and I'm still not sure of the specifics of my Solo Performance Cabaret class. Not sure if we'll all get to perform or just certain ppl who have good shows or what. Maybe it's just seniors. In any case, I'm pretty sure that I'll be the only sophomore in there. I know for sure that Madeline is taking it, so that will be fun as long as I don't annoy the shit out of her, haha.

Other than casting, I'm trying to sort out my summer options. I have an application for a counselor position at the Idyllwild Arts Summer Program, but if I did that, I wouldn't be able to do Naked Shakes. I know a lot of people from the Soph class will do it, and I've been really looking forward to it, but there is still one more chance to do it if I don't this time. Only thing is, it might be fun to work for a Summerstock or something my last summer.

Okay now, you may think I'm getting ahead of myself since there are still two more rounds of cuts to come, but I like to think of it as "keeping my options open." Don't think I'm overconfident. I'm still scared shitless of being cut. Regardless of cuts, I would still want to do Shakes, as well as the Ashlyn trip. So, here we go y'all. Options:

1.) Take Idyllwild job, make some money, go to Ashlyn OSF. Possibly not with the group since it's expensive to pay the University Fee without taking other classes.

2.) Do Naked Shakes, work during the day as a way of making money, and go to Ashlyn.

3.) If circumstances dictate my dismissal... fuck my life if that does happen... Either work in Brawley over the summer or Take a ton of summer classes to get ready for graduating with a different degree. Oh how it pained me to write that.

We'll see what happens. I'll apply to Idyllwild and see what happens, I just don't want to tell them no, since they probably won't hire me again after that.

Okay, time to get back to life. BTW, I've pretty much accepted the fact that I write these blogs for me.

-Big D.

Your potato salad butts. Mmmm. All slathered in mayonnaise.

That's a little spoiler from the monologue I'll be performing in the Monologue Festival in January. I'm so excited! I'm extremely grateful to have been cast, as well as to have two pieces I wrote be performed in the festival! I'm not going to release them on here, but I'd be happy to show them to you if you facebook, skype, or email me. They're quite funny. And they will be performed two absolutely fantastic Juniors, Jak Watson and Emily Mckeown. They will surely breathe life into my work.

Yesterday was a very hard day. We lost five fantastic actors from the the BFA, dwindling our class size down to 20. If the goal size is 12-14, there's still a long way to go. All the upperclassmen were so sweet. When we walked into the lounge where we waited to hear our fate, we found a box of donuts from the cast of Five Women Wearing the Same Dress, munchies from Tarah, and Amanda brought us home-baked cookies. I had just forced myself to eat lunch, so I wasn't hungry. I'm continuing in the program, but it is still sad to think of the fine people I won't have in classes next quarter. One of them left by choice, but it was still hard to say goodbye.

In my eval, the faculty stressed one thing: "Let your freak flag fly." I've been a bit reserved this quarter, internalizing a lot. With my monologue demanding me to play a crazed Somali pirate in constant search of food, who's deferred dream is to open a starchy food restaurant... I think they'll be pleased.

My liver hates me. Thursday night, I participated in Whiskey Night with a friend from English, in celebration that that ship has sailed (though not for me, since I need to turn in my paper still.). I was drunk off my ass and a bit stoned. Friday night I was clean because the next morning was Super Saturday, which went very well. That night, I got drunk at the Super Saturday/Tarah's Birthday party! Sunday night, first cut party. So many wonderful pictures that will never get to facebook. Monday night, blazed with some BFAers at Nico's, then went to the Five Women cast party and got drunk. I was high as balls. Erika was freaking out about how hilarious I was. I love bongs. I just never get the same high from a piece or blunt.

Now it's Tuesday, my paper is going to be a day late when I turn it in at 330 tomorrow, and I have to live with that. No substances tonight. Just plain work. It could very well become an all-nighter, but I'm hoping to hit the hay at about 3 AM.

It's so odd to have upperclassmen congratulating me on my Super Saturday scene, the cuts, or the monologue festival. I feel so honored to be working in this fantastic program! I mean, I'M GOING TO PERFORM IN THE STUDIO! I, Dylan Hale, got cast over how ever many people auditioned in those 5 hours on Sunday. Shit! This isn't gloating, this is dis-belief. Hot damn!

Well, I'm going to change into pants so that I can go out into the cold and eat with ET. Can't wait to see all you Brawley people over the break. I'll be home Sunday. Roomie leaves tomorrow, and I have three days with the room to myself! Hallelujah!

Love to you all, and thanks for believing in me.

-Big D.

if wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of i miss you (thank you alliemenz)

on days like this
when the sun glints a little too brightly
and the body is half numb from
the previous night's frolic

i remember the old summer days
of curly fries and cookie shakes
and laughter

lizzie maguire
sex and the city
far and away
and recently
weeds

how i wish those days joined with these days to add

true blood
and angels and
summer heights high
the brothers bloom
and the oc

but you're gone

taken away by a man on a horse
waking with him at first light
so i cannot drunk dial you at 2 in the morning

this man on a horse is a wonderful man
but am i not wondrous as well
we each live by mountains but ocean i see
and i have the cool seasons weather
not he

but we all need a man on a horse
and who can say that dreaming brings him no closer

but if your horse gets restless
and your man cannot jump
and they desecrate on your life before galloping past
i will help you clean away the horse shit

repay me in time

Socks + Shoes = Less Crackly Feet

In a very confused place right now. Not really sure how much I should tell you.

So, my Acting midterm went very well, at least I thought so... until I talked to Irwin about it. "It wasn't realistic. Real people don't act like that. I have no idea what you are thinking right now. You were completely on display. Whats more, it was all like this *floats hand in straight line*. It didn't change. It wasn't real." Can you say it with me now? DISCOURAGEMENT! So I went to the rest of them, ready to hear that same things since they had all discussed them. Here is what I heard:

Michael Morgan had nothing to say except that my breath should have changed when my character went through his change. Otherwise, fine. Good voice, strong presence.

Jeff thought it was good, wonderful voice, great presence. For the movement midterm: Loosen up in the trunk, but otherwise very good. Awesome steadiness when I held Adam, great using principles from class, and adapting to the notes he gave. "A joy to have in class/Love how you approach tumbling." I was so in shock at this one, I forgot to tell him how much I love being in class.

Annie thought it was "Lovely. A really beautiful moment of truth... so simple." She did say that it had been better once in the rehearsal process, but there was nothing to worry about. Then we chatted about my scene, which I'll get to.

Tom said he only wrote on note: Nice. "Sometimes, the light bulb is on, and sometimes the light bulb is off. It was on. Hahaha... it was on!" Love this guy.

So yeah, everyone but Irwin thought it was pretty strong piece. Odd, isn't it?

Jordan and I have been working very hard on our scene (BURN THIS, by Lanford Wilson), and I've done a lot of character work on Larry. I was excited to present it in class for the second time, off book. Sadly, Annie had a lot to say to us, especially me, on things we weren't really getting right. I felt so bad for Jordan, having to stop so much. She even said at one point, "I know it's hard when you have a character this loaded to stop and start like we're doing. I'm so sorry." She said it in no way blaming me, but I felt responsible. The sad thing is, she would say, "Okay, lets stop. Good, you guys, really good. (Pause.) Larry, is this a comfortable situation? *No.* Right, and you are showing the uncomfortable, which is great and true. But is Larry good at putting on a show? *Yes.* Yes. So I really want you to plant yourself." Easy concepts, but tough when you're doing it over and over, and things start to blur, and you can't go four or five lines without stopping again. I know every bit helps, but it's not easy, and I feel like it looks like I've done no prep work.

Because today was a holiday, she didn't have office hours. I'm going to try to catch her tomorrow to ask her some questions. I think I know what my problem is. I've done a lot of work on Larry's relationships with the other characters, his goals, arc, and spine, but what I need to do is scan the scene, internal-monologue it, in a way. And I need to do more work on finding him physically. So that's what I'm confused about. I'm in this place where I feel comfortable and scared at the same time. I got great feedback on midterms, but I'm struggling with Larry. Granted, a lot of this is probably psyching myself out, but I'm genuinely worried. I want to get Larry right. I know him. I love him. I really share a lot with him. It's hard to realize you're playing a character so close to your heart wrongly. Failing in class resulted in feeling like general shit, and a big heap of loneliness. I have tons of close friends here, don't get me wrong, but I really miss talking to some people, especially people who don't have Internet. Seriously, we live in America in the 21st century. This is not okay. I really needed to talk, but right people weren't on facebook, texting is ridiculous for serious conversations if you don't have a Blackberry, and calling wastes minutes.

Auditions for Winter Quarter shows are a week from Saturday. Annie is going to be acting in Kingdom City, which makes me want to be in that one even more. It's going to be hard to get, and I haven't even read the script yet, but I really want this. I'm going to give it all I've got. Risa is doing that, and the script is still being tweaked, so it's not available to read yet. Jeff is doing Trojan Women, and sent out the audition pieces, all speeches.

In non-BFA news, I saw The Brothers Bloom last night, and it was fantastic. Totally cheered me up. Highly recommend it. My Music 20C midterm went amazingly. I did It's Hard to Speak My Heart from Parade, and really nailed it. I was so into the character of Leo. If you don't know Parade, look it up and prepare to fall in love. Did I mention Annie was in it? Now working on an Italian opera song.

Still hate English 10. Need to read The Bluest Eye.

King's class sucks as usual, but not having it today was amazing!

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and I'm very excited. It's Tucson again, and Johno and his bf KC are going to be there this time! Looking forward to some substance abuse maybe???

Well, that's it, y'all. I fell like there's so much more, but there's not. Listen to Parade, ask if you need a link to the OBCR, and watch The Brothers Bloom.

-Big D

Don't judge bag ladies. The woman sitting outside vons just might be a Ti Moune reincarnate.

I am currently sitting in the Loma Pelona Center, not studying. They're probably going to kick me out in about 5 minutes, which is ridiculous. Why does a study room close? Anyway, a few things on my mind.

I've started a journal to chronicle my experiences in the BFA. It's great because I can write about all of the drama that will happen and not get shit for it! Seriously though, it will be very fun to read in a couple years.

Got too drunk last night. God, I loves me some cheap wine, but it doesn't seem to love me. It's terrifying to wake up with a receipt in your pocket, but it's nice to know that between the 8 dollar burrito and the 3 dollar bagel, I chose the bagel. At least drunk me doesn't forget that I'm a poor college student.

I have King's midterm on Monday. Kill me. I hate Iceman Cometh, didn't read much of All My Sons, have not bought or sparknoted Member of the Wedding, and didn't buy the reader. King sucks ass for making me spend so much money, anyway.

Our Acting midterm is Tuesday. I'm so excited to see what the other class has come up with, but also very nervous for the faculty to see my piece. It's in good shape, and Annie really hasn't been able to say much about it in the way of critiques. However, there is still part of it that I'm going to work on Monday night after my King-term. I'll be sure to tell you how it goes.

I've stopped being a wuss about my car-accident-arm and started doing cartwheels in Movement. They suck, but I'm doing them. Headstands are not getting any easier because I can't seem to balance my legs. The whole "hand stand kick and balance against the wall" move is something I just haven't been able to master yet. It's so scary to be facing the hardwood, pushing away from it. I feel like I should scream, "Fuck back, wood floor!"

My English class continues to suck. I can tell it's going to be sucking me dry all quarter and I'm getting a little nervous. Uh oh, here come the CSOs.

Yep, just got kicked out. Now back in my room. Annoying ass roommate is pretending to sleep. I'm in a mean phase right now, so take this lightly: I will be so relieved when this assface leaves after winter quarter. Only a few more months, Dylan. March, March, March! By the way, he doesn't believe in social networking sites, so I can complain assured that he won't find this. Well, nothing's for sure in this crazy world. And anyway, he's the best roommate I've had so far, it's just that he doesn't ever leave, goes to bed by 12 at the latest, and is visibly annoyed when I go out to party. He also has some strange habits I don't quite get, but more on that later if y'all want to know.

My scene assignment for the BFA Super Saturday final involves cocksucking. More later.

Although I'm in a downer state right now, I still can't help but think how amazing my life is.

A few days ago, I was walking up to a friend's room for dinner. She lives on the third story and there was this girl in front of me that I quickly caught up to. I thought she was walking slow because she was tired. But at the second story, she stood against the wall and turned her head toward me, giving a weak smile that suggested, "Pass me." I can't explain the welling up of emotion I got from this girl. It was like all of the sudden, I was softly exuding sadness. I walked ahead and got to the top of the stairs some fifteen seconds before she did. I tried to walk slowly for some reason I still don't know. To make her feel better about herself, I guess. She quickly passed me. It was only on the stairs that she walked slow. We headed in opposite directions after a bit, and I was able to observe her walk. She was faintly limping a la Laura in Glass Menagerie thanks to one leg that was shorter than the other. I'll never forget that adorable, flustered face surrounded by bright red hair. Those eyes that communicated so much. I know for sure that she didn't just have a temporary injury. Those were the eyes of a person who grew up with that disability. The way her shoulders rose and her neck caved in, in an attempt to hide her blushing cheeks... it was all the body language of a sweet, beautiful, inverted childhood. I am in love with this girl. I don't think I can ever forget her. I could get really analytical here and say that I'm instantly attracted to "weak women" (see Bethany Tomberlin, whom I cannot find after eight years of searching, and Wheel Chair girl, who was the subject of a weird ode thing in junior year of High School), but the attraction isn't the same. By the way, don't mistake this for love. There are many different planes of human connection. I hope that the loving, accepting smile I gave her was enough to tell her that I cared. I'm hesitant to say that my heart aches for this girl, because I imagine she revokes pity and can survive easily. Hell, she passed me when we were walking on flat ground! But I know some things are a challenge and I just wanted her to know she had my love. It's my project to find this girl and either talk to her face to face or at least stalk her on facebook. Maybe it's better not to know her. No matter what, she'll stay with me forever.

I hope I wake up tomorrow refreshed and happy.

Enamored with this mystifying redhead.

-Big D.