A lot has gone on since I last blogged, but I'm not in the mood right now. I just need to say a few things...
Michael Navarro: You are a pathetic pussy bitchface motherfucker whose balls should be roughly slid against a cheese grater until they are fucking GONE. Where the fuck do you get off writing that shit in my year book? Asshole! If I'd have known at the time I would have called you out right in the middle of Whitehead's classroom of evangelical conservative cow dung and ripped your fucking head off. I don't even know where the shit you're going to school, but if it IS UCLA, I hope you trip and tumble all the way down those big ass steps by Bruin Walk. I hope you get eaten alive by the baby squirrels. I hope someone hangs you from the top of Dykstra. You fucking fatass babyfaced cock choking ASS SHIT! The next time I see you in town, at the donut shop, jack in the crack, von's, wal mart, wherever the FUCK you like to be, I'll make sure to rape you with my words so badly that you'll want to press charges. I hate you for pulling that shit. How dare you. How DARE you.
-Big D
PS: I know... this post is SO not inclusive. You'll learn what that is in my next entry. Good night, y'all!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
That Little Pink Plus Sign is So Un-holy
Sam business over.
I'm a drama queen.
I love my head staff.
I'm okay.
:-)
-Big D
I'm a drama queen.
I love my head staff.
I'm okay.
:-)
-Big D
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Watching Myself
I did something really fucked up today/yesterday.
Some may disagree.
I feel like I used the memory of Samantha Brown.
It was during an activity for FSSP RA training where we were supposed to describe a situation in which we could have helped someone but we didn't. I knew that Sam's death wasn't what they were looking for but I couldn't get it out of my head. I should have just fucking passed but I didn't. So I told about how she kicked my chair in trial and maybe whispered my name before going silent for a while and then seizing. I told about how I felt guilty that I didn't turn around. And then I added as a side note that she later died and I felt guilty again.
I should not have used her like that. It was so awful of me and I hated myself for it immediately after speaking. The tears came fast. Tears for missing her which I do often, and tears for abusing her like that. I used her. Sure I didn't have anything to say but I could have PASSED. It would not have been that hard. I don't want to be thought of as the attention seeker and I don't want people to think I'm troubled or anything. I just feel terrible. It was so inappropriate.
I'm gonna talk to a head staff member about it and just... talk it through. I mean, I didn't even mention how great of friends we were. I can't fucking believe myself. I wiped like my eyes were my ass and dried up before I had to speak again, but they just kept coming back every few minutes. I felt all that guilt again.
Why did I think I could talk about her in my One Man Show in high school? The things we learn when we get older. Two quotes come to mind:
Scraping knees, tying shoes,
Starting school, paying dues,
Finding there's no way
We can spend a lifetime playing ball
Part of getting tall
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Sorry Sam. By the way, sorry I didn't think too much about you on the 11th. My birthday has become the time of death. You're just part of a growing list. But you're up there with the best. You are one of the best. You were the best.
Fucking poetic flowery shit.
I miss you.
-Big D.
Some may disagree.
I feel like I used the memory of Samantha Brown.
It was during an activity for FSSP RA training where we were supposed to describe a situation in which we could have helped someone but we didn't. I knew that Sam's death wasn't what they were looking for but I couldn't get it out of my head. I should have just fucking passed but I didn't. So I told about how she kicked my chair in trial and maybe whispered my name before going silent for a while and then seizing. I told about how I felt guilty that I didn't turn around. And then I added as a side note that she later died and I felt guilty again.
I should not have used her like that. It was so awful of me and I hated myself for it immediately after speaking. The tears came fast. Tears for missing her which I do often, and tears for abusing her like that. I used her. Sure I didn't have anything to say but I could have PASSED. It would not have been that hard. I don't want to be thought of as the attention seeker and I don't want people to think I'm troubled or anything. I just feel terrible. It was so inappropriate.
I'm gonna talk to a head staff member about it and just... talk it through. I mean, I didn't even mention how great of friends we were. I can't fucking believe myself. I wiped like my eyes were my ass and dried up before I had to speak again, but they just kept coming back every few minutes. I felt all that guilt again.
Why did I think I could talk about her in my One Man Show in high school? The things we learn when we get older. Two quotes come to mind:
Scraping knees, tying shoes,
Starting school, paying dues,
Finding there's no way
We can spend a lifetime playing ball
Part of getting tall
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Sorry Sam. By the way, sorry I didn't think too much about you on the 11th. My birthday has become the time of death. You're just part of a growing list. But you're up there with the best. You are one of the best. You were the best.
Fucking poetic flowery shit.
I miss you.
-Big D.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Can't think of a title... [title-of-blog]
Earlier I felt a lot like blogging and now I only feel like 5% of that, but here goes.
I'm going to explain why I've been feeling so crappy. By the way, I've been feeling crappy.
For those of you who don't know, my uncle Clay died of some heart related issue, probably a massive heart attack or clot or something. He was in San Diego enjoying a wonderful dinner with his family and friends and went to the bathroom not feeling ill at all. He never came back. This was on July 3rd. My dad and I rushed up to San Diego to comfort my Aunt and my two cousins Carson and Ciara, bringing along my grandmother for... something. Just kidding. She was there for support too. Sorry... I just got back from a terrible trip across the country with her about a month ago and I'm still reeling.
So, I spent two nights in San Diego with the family, helping them grieve, grieving myself, and all that. He was cremated and the memorial service was held Saturday the 11th. Before that, on July 8th, the mother of two very good friends of mine succumbed to cancer after something like six or eight years of battle. Her service was held Monday the 13th. Let's not even start listing the celebrity deaths going on right now... or shall we? Billy, Michael, Farrah, Harve... lots and lots. They don't have much to do with this but I'm trying to show you something.
My birthday is July 13th. Yeah, so I had tragedy fucking me in the ass that whole time and it was just such an inconvenience. My family had to keep it in mind while picking funeral dates and I couldn't escape "It's your birthday!" from those at Cancer Mom's service. Names are being protected. This isn't about any of those comments though... I dearly love both of those daughters and I feel terrible for my cousins and aunt.
Here it goes. People die around my birthday.
Since I was born, I have regarded Friday the 13th as a lucky day. It's my day. Fuck all those unlucky bastards. But two years ago on July 11th, one of my closest friends passed away. I talked about her previously. Sam meant so much to me. Anyway, then comes Clay and Cancer Mom, along with my dog Spicer(oni) about 7 years ago, and all these celebrities. It just seems like shitty shit happens on my birthday. I don't know what to make of it. I know it's just coincidence but I've had a lot of crappy birthdays since I popped out of my momma's cave of wonders. Anyway... enough of this.
I just found out one of my very good friends won't be coming back to school in the fall. No, she's not dead, thank goodness. And she's a reader, oddly enough. However, she has a plan for success that I know can't be stopped and I'm very excited for her.
Then I found out that Jason, also mentioned previously, may not be coming back. He's got plans too, and both of them are probably a lot smarter than me, but it's sad to think that 2 close friends are not going to be eating with me every Tuesday night.
What is weird is that I didn't know who to turn to when I needed to talk to someone about all of these things. Alex is unreachable in the Coachella Valley and I'm not about to txt thousands of words about how I feel. Alanna (I know you're reading. Take this lightly.) was probably napping. Christie is busy counseling it up in LA and she hasn't been on AIM. Carson is dealing with so much shit right now I'd feel stupid telling him this. I have no other really close friends here. I'm not in SB so I can't get drunk and purge my feelings out to a stranger. My SB peeps are definitely face-to-face people. And those two people are off the list because they're partially the reason for this sadness. I'm not about to tell my mom... come on. Why is the internet where I have to turn? I might just rather let my sadness boil inside me instead of posting it for the world to ignore.
So yes. I'm sad. And to tell you the truth, I think my two friends are braver than I am.
I get back to SB Saturday. I can't wait to see you all. Miguel, Emily, Laura, Gabbywaggles, all my Urinetown hearties, and everyone else who is there. I miss you all very very much.
I'm a little scared.
Onto the next topic: FSSP. I'm very excited to get up there and start training for my awesome summer adventure. Sunday night we're playing laser tag outside!
I'm nervous for the program in the fall. I'm nervous for Spanish in the summer. OMG 2 weeks. I'm nervous for moving in with yet another goddamn roommate I don't know. I'm nervous that I'll be eating a lot of meals alone. Takeout is a bitch and it's only on weekdays.
-Big D.
I'm going to explain why I've been feeling so crappy. By the way, I've been feeling crappy.
For those of you who don't know, my uncle Clay died of some heart related issue, probably a massive heart attack or clot or something. He was in San Diego enjoying a wonderful dinner with his family and friends and went to the bathroom not feeling ill at all. He never came back. This was on July 3rd. My dad and I rushed up to San Diego to comfort my Aunt and my two cousins Carson and Ciara, bringing along my grandmother for... something. Just kidding. She was there for support too. Sorry... I just got back from a terrible trip across the country with her about a month ago and I'm still reeling.
So, I spent two nights in San Diego with the family, helping them grieve, grieving myself, and all that. He was cremated and the memorial service was held Saturday the 11th. Before that, on July 8th, the mother of two very good friends of mine succumbed to cancer after something like six or eight years of battle. Her service was held Monday the 13th. Let's not even start listing the celebrity deaths going on right now... or shall we? Billy, Michael, Farrah, Harve... lots and lots. They don't have much to do with this but I'm trying to show you something.
My birthday is July 13th. Yeah, so I had tragedy fucking me in the ass that whole time and it was just such an inconvenience. My family had to keep it in mind while picking funeral dates and I couldn't escape "It's your birthday!" from those at Cancer Mom's service. Names are being protected. This isn't about any of those comments though... I dearly love both of those daughters and I feel terrible for my cousins and aunt.
Here it goes. People die around my birthday.
Since I was born, I have regarded Friday the 13th as a lucky day. It's my day. Fuck all those unlucky bastards. But two years ago on July 11th, one of my closest friends passed away. I talked about her previously. Sam meant so much to me. Anyway, then comes Clay and Cancer Mom, along with my dog Spicer(oni) about 7 years ago, and all these celebrities. It just seems like shitty shit happens on my birthday. I don't know what to make of it. I know it's just coincidence but I've had a lot of crappy birthdays since I popped out of my momma's cave of wonders. Anyway... enough of this.
I just found out one of my very good friends won't be coming back to school in the fall. No, she's not dead, thank goodness. And she's a reader, oddly enough. However, she has a plan for success that I know can't be stopped and I'm very excited for her.
Then I found out that Jason, also mentioned previously, may not be coming back. He's got plans too, and both of them are probably a lot smarter than me, but it's sad to think that 2 close friends are not going to be eating with me every Tuesday night.
What is weird is that I didn't know who to turn to when I needed to talk to someone about all of these things. Alex is unreachable in the Coachella Valley and I'm not about to txt thousands of words about how I feel. Alanna (I know you're reading. Take this lightly.) was probably napping. Christie is busy counseling it up in LA and she hasn't been on AIM. Carson is dealing with so much shit right now I'd feel stupid telling him this. I have no other really close friends here. I'm not in SB so I can't get drunk and purge my feelings out to a stranger. My SB peeps are definitely face-to-face people. And those two people are off the list because they're partially the reason for this sadness. I'm not about to tell my mom... come on. Why is the internet where I have to turn? I might just rather let my sadness boil inside me instead of posting it for the world to ignore.
So yes. I'm sad. And to tell you the truth, I think my two friends are braver than I am.
I get back to SB Saturday. I can't wait to see you all. Miguel, Emily, Laura, Gabbywaggles, all my Urinetown hearties, and everyone else who is there. I miss you all very very much.
I'm a little scared.
Onto the next topic: FSSP. I'm very excited to get up there and start training for my awesome summer adventure. Sunday night we're playing laser tag outside!
I'm nervous for the program in the fall. I'm nervous for Spanish in the summer. OMG 2 weeks. I'm nervous for moving in with yet another goddamn roommate I don't know. I'm nervous that I'll be eating a lot of meals alone. Takeout is a bitch and it's only on weekdays.
-Big D.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Get Me Outta Here
Currently, there is an air of air of promise floating around my bedroom. This morning I woke up feeling fresh and excited for the day. Sure, this week has sucked, but I wasn't thinking about the bad. I was happy because my dad hadn't come in to make his morning phone calls while sitting in front of the computer which just happens to be in my room. I had lost no sleep. So I woke up, showered and dressed, feeling sexylicious in a smaller shirt size than I've been buying since I've lost +/- 15 pounds this year, and headed off to the hospital where I ate lunch with my mom and the other nursery nurses. Nice. Pleasant.
Then I drove home and when I turned into Ridge Park and attempted to cross over that huge hump that looks like a ghetto 20 foot long Rodeo Drive, I lost accelerator power. I coasted half way down the street before I lost power steering and then came to a slow stop to side of the road in front of a neighbor's driveway. Thinking I could have been out of fuel (the excursion is always close to empty and there's no telling what the fuel gauge will say) I walked down the street to grab the 5 gallon tank of diesel we have in our garage. I fueled the car and tried to start... no go. It's out of oil. No oil at all. Em-T. Yeah.
So my mom came and steered while I pushed that damn thing out of the way of the driveway in the 110 degree sun. Now I'm home and I can't wait to leave. The excursion is waiting for oil from my dad halfway down the street.
Anyway, the air of promise from earlier today is coming back now. I've had a really lame 2 hours but things are getting a little better. Still... I need to get out of here.
Then I drove home and when I turned into Ridge Park and attempted to cross over that huge hump that looks like a ghetto 20 foot long Rodeo Drive, I lost accelerator power. I coasted half way down the street before I lost power steering and then came to a slow stop to side of the road in front of a neighbor's driveway. Thinking I could have been out of fuel (the excursion is always close to empty and there's no telling what the fuel gauge will say) I walked down the street to grab the 5 gallon tank of diesel we have in our garage. I fueled the car and tried to start... no go. It's out of oil. No oil at all. Em-T. Yeah.
So my mom came and steered while I pushed that damn thing out of the way of the driveway in the 110 degree sun. Now I'm home and I can't wait to leave. The excursion is waiting for oil from my dad halfway down the street.
Anyway, the air of promise from earlier today is coming back now. I've had a really lame 2 hours but things are getting a little better. Still... I need to get out of here.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Hewwo.
Quick update on my life:
I'm up to my eyeballs in theater, and it scares me so. Ryan's "Heart of the Macabre" which includes a short Opera, short Play, and short Musical (idk why i capitalized them) premiers THURSDAY! And I have parts in each, major ones in the Opera/Play. I'm very scared, but I'm trying so hard to learn it all. I have play rehearsal today and then all three throughout the week. I'm just so happy to be performing original work! Ryan is so generous in trusting me with his material. I truly feel honored. Maybe that sounds like a lot of smoke being blown, but whatever. This isn't B-town/IV/Shitstain/The Armpit of California anymore... though I will always love that place... This is college- no. This is UCSB, one of the top theater school in the nation, the only UC with a BFA, the only UC and possibly only college with anything like the College of Creative Studies, and it fucking rocks. I am honored to be presenting this work in this place. I'm struggling with it, but that feels so good because I know the end result will be something I can be proud of.
Not only is this original work, it's my first Opera, first college straight play, first stage killing, first gay character (Opera), first TRIPLE BILLING... and I'm the first ever to bring these three people to life.
Aside from Ryan's thing, Urinetown is flowing along as well, though not so smoothly. It's a bitch, actually. And I need to be off book today. I'm not worried what with my small percentage of lines in the total show. That's one thing I like about musicals: an hour or more is taken up with singing, so you have less lines!
I'm gonna cut this short, but I'll just quickly say that last night I walked into a fat tree branch that made me really disoriented and weird for an hour or so. Later, I had a late-night pool (the kind with balls and the green table) and Legally Blonde sangin' sesh with my chica Christie. As I state on facebook just now, SO THERAPEUTIC.
I'll tell ya how Ryan's show goes!
-Big D
Quick update on my life:
I'm up to my eyeballs in theater, and it scares me so. Ryan's "Heart of the Macabre" which includes a short Opera, short Play, and short Musical (idk why i capitalized them) premiers THURSDAY! And I have parts in each, major ones in the Opera/Play. I'm very scared, but I'm trying so hard to learn it all. I have play rehearsal today and then all three throughout the week. I'm just so happy to be performing original work! Ryan is so generous in trusting me with his material. I truly feel honored. Maybe that sounds like a lot of smoke being blown, but whatever. This isn't B-town/IV/Shitstain/The Armpit of California anymore... though I will always love that place... This is college- no. This is UCSB, one of the top theater school in the nation, the only UC with a BFA, the only UC and possibly only college with anything like the College of Creative Studies, and it fucking rocks. I am honored to be presenting this work in this place. I'm struggling with it, but that feels so good because I know the end result will be something I can be proud of.
Not only is this original work, it's my first Opera, first college straight play, first stage killing, first gay character (Opera), first TRIPLE BILLING... and I'm the first ever to bring these three people to life.
Aside from Ryan's thing, Urinetown is flowing along as well, though not so smoothly. It's a bitch, actually. And I need to be off book today. I'm not worried what with my small percentage of lines in the total show. That's one thing I like about musicals: an hour or more is taken up with singing, so you have less lines!
I'm gonna cut this short, but I'll just quickly say that last night I walked into a fat tree branch that made me really disoriented and weird for an hour or so. Later, I had a late-night pool (the kind with balls and the green table) and Legally Blonde sangin' sesh with my chica Christie. As I state on facebook just now, SO THERAPEUTIC.
I'll tell ya how Ryan's show goes!
-Big D
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