Earlier I felt a lot like blogging and now I only feel like 5% of that, but here goes.
I'm going to explain why I've been feeling so crappy. By the way, I've been feeling crappy.
For those of you who don't know, my uncle Clay died of some heart related issue, probably a massive heart attack or clot or something. He was in San Diego enjoying a wonderful dinner with his family and friends and went to the bathroom not feeling ill at all. He never came back. This was on July 3rd. My dad and I rushed up to San Diego to comfort my Aunt and my two cousins Carson and Ciara, bringing along my grandmother for... something. Just kidding. She was there for support too. Sorry... I just got back from a terrible trip across the country with her about a month ago and I'm still reeling.
So, I spent two nights in San Diego with the family, helping them grieve, grieving myself, and all that. He was cremated and the memorial service was held Saturday the 11th. Before that, on July 8th, the mother of two very good friends of mine succumbed to cancer after something like six or eight years of battle. Her service was held Monday the 13th. Let's not even start listing the celebrity deaths going on right now... or shall we? Billy, Michael, Farrah, Harve... lots and lots. They don't have much to do with this but I'm trying to show you something.
My birthday is July 13th. Yeah, so I had tragedy fucking me in the ass that whole time and it was just such an inconvenience. My family had to keep it in mind while picking funeral dates and I couldn't escape "It's your birthday!" from those at Cancer Mom's service. Names are being protected. This isn't about any of those comments though... I dearly love both of those daughters and I feel terrible for my cousins and aunt.
Here it goes. People die around my birthday.
Since I was born, I have regarded Friday the 13th as a lucky day. It's my day. Fuck all those unlucky bastards. But two years ago on July 11th, one of my closest friends passed away. I talked about her previously. Sam meant so much to me. Anyway, then comes Clay and Cancer Mom, along with my dog Spicer(oni) about 7 years ago, and all these celebrities. It just seems like shitty shit happens on my birthday. I don't know what to make of it. I know it's just coincidence but I've had a lot of crappy birthdays since I popped out of my momma's cave of wonders. Anyway... enough of this.
I just found out one of my very good friends won't be coming back to school in the fall. No, she's not dead, thank goodness. And she's a reader, oddly enough. However, she has a plan for success that I know can't be stopped and I'm very excited for her.
Then I found out that Jason, also mentioned previously, may not be coming back. He's got plans too, and both of them are probably a lot smarter than me, but it's sad to think that 2 close friends are not going to be eating with me every Tuesday night.
What is weird is that I didn't know who to turn to when I needed to talk to someone about all of these things. Alex is unreachable in the Coachella Valley and I'm not about to txt thousands of words about how I feel. Alanna (I know you're reading. Take this lightly.) was probably napping. Christie is busy counseling it up in LA and she hasn't been on AIM. Carson is dealing with so much shit right now I'd feel stupid telling him this. I have no other really close friends here. I'm not in SB so I can't get drunk and purge my feelings out to a stranger. My SB peeps are definitely face-to-face people. And those two people are off the list because they're partially the reason for this sadness. I'm not about to tell my mom... come on. Why is the internet where I have to turn? I might just rather let my sadness boil inside me instead of posting it for the world to ignore.
So yes. I'm sad. And to tell you the truth, I think my two friends are braver than I am.
I get back to SB Saturday. I can't wait to see you all. Miguel, Emily, Laura, Gabbywaggles, all my Urinetown hearties, and everyone else who is there. I miss you all very very much.
I'm a little scared.
Onto the next topic: FSSP. I'm very excited to get up there and start training for my awesome summer adventure. Sunday night we're playing laser tag outside!
I'm nervous for the program in the fall. I'm nervous for Spanish in the summer. OMG 2 weeks. I'm nervous for moving in with yet another goddamn roommate I don't know. I'm nervous that I'll be eating a lot of meals alone. Takeout is a bitch and it's only on weekdays.
-Big D.
