I did something really fucked up today/yesterday.
Some may disagree.
I feel like I used the memory of Samantha Brown.
It was during an activity for FSSP RA training where we were supposed to describe a situation in which we could have helped someone but we didn't. I knew that Sam's death wasn't what they were looking for but I couldn't get it out of my head. I should have just fucking passed but I didn't. So I told about how she kicked my chair in trial and maybe whispered my name before going silent for a while and then seizing. I told about how I felt guilty that I didn't turn around. And then I added as a side note that she later died and I felt guilty again.
I should not have used her like that. It was so awful of me and I hated myself for it immediately after speaking. The tears came fast. Tears for missing her which I do often, and tears for abusing her like that. I used her. Sure I didn't have anything to say but I could have PASSED. It would not have been that hard. I don't want to be thought of as the attention seeker and I don't want people to think I'm troubled or anything. I just feel terrible. It was so inappropriate.
I'm gonna talk to a head staff member about it and just... talk it through. I mean, I didn't even mention how great of friends we were. I can't fucking believe myself. I wiped like my eyes were my ass and dried up before I had to speak again, but they just kept coming back every few minutes. I felt all that guilt again.
Why did I think I could talk about her in my One Man Show in high school? The things we learn when we get older. Two quotes come to mind:
Scraping knees, tying shoes,
Starting school, paying dues,
Finding there's no way
We can spend a lifetime playing ball
Part of getting tall
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Sorry Sam. By the way, sorry I didn't think too much about you on the 11th. My birthday has become the time of death. You're just part of a growing list. But you're up there with the best. You are one of the best. You were the best.
Fucking poetic flowery shit.
I miss you.
-Big D.
